Something New and Strange

Well, school seems really really awesome. I haven't really gotten into the schoolish part of it yet, and I have a feeling I'm going to get really overwhelmed this semester. But lets cross that bridge when we get there.

I don't know why but I feel really weird about Facebook's new blog. I love love to blog but for some reason it seems way too unsafe to blog on facebook. I know you probably think that's whack because my lj is linked on facebook but I'm positive that so many people don't take the time to click on that link, I actually bank on that fact. But if they just read mine along with all their other friends' "notes" then there will be a huge ass amount of people reading my thoughts. I don't really feel like putting myself out there for my 200 some friends who wouldn't usually care enough to just go to my lj. Ya see what I'm trying to get at? It would be making myself vulnerable to a uncaring mass. Maybe I'm just reading too much into it.

On the other hand, I really like to write, and sometimes there are things I write that I wish more people read because it's heartfelt and poignant. Ya know? I'm just trying to decided which way to go, get rid of my livejournal so I can downsize, or keep it for a speck more privacy. Like I said, I may be thinking about it too hard and completely change my mind in a couple of days.

On the other hand, I think it's time to talk about the boys. That's always a good subject, right? I'm not gonna get into any specific details because it wouldn't be fair to him, but I feel the need to vent about the shape and color of this relationship. Lets start here, he lives in another state. Sucks...ass. We didn't even figure out how much we cared about each other till he'd gone home so we have no physical relationship to even speak of or remember with a smile. All we can do is wait until one of us can make the trip to see the other. Second sucky aspect, there's an age difference, can't tell you if it's older or younger, I'm going to vague again, but it's significant enough to amaze both of us that we fit so perfectly. Third sucky thing, I think I like him more then he likes me, which is ALWAYS the case, duh. I'm not exactly sure what he defines me as in his life, but for me he's my absolute crush; the person I wish was here to take me dinner, to watch sappy romance flicks with while we're in our sweats, or the person who leaves cute little notes in places you never expect them. But instead he's still a little hung up on his x a little, treats me like purely a friend one day then says something so completely romantic it throws me off gaurd, and on top of all that he lives 10 hours away...It complicates by the moment, the only thing that isn't complicated is the way I feel which is almost 90% happy because what he has committed to this relationship is still above and beyond what so many guys have been willing to give me. I'm just thankful for the small stuff I guess, like the fact that he said I have the most adorable little laugh, *smile*...see?
Leslie
btw, imaginaryalice made my new icon, which makes me wanna cry and cry!

Well, its like what, three days till school starts, at least after this day. I'm a little nervous, you know the feeling, kinda anticipation and butterflies. I'm excited about seeing my friends again, and the ROCKIN back to school parties and 20th Street is going to be so awesome this week. Its gonna be a busy busy week what with working and getting used to my schudule and all the socialization. Me and Josh are totally having our preschool Starbucks on Monday. I'm terribly excited Josh!! There are sooo many things to look forward to. I haven't been this optimistic all summer long and that sucks. I feel like I'm being caught up in this whirlwind of happiness and it's GREAT!

Me and Molly figured things out, which is cool. But before I know what happened she'll be gone, which is weird. I'm kinda glad we got in a fight though, because it's forced me to learn to live without her. As much as I HATE fighting with her I needed the practice. I needed to know I'd survive without my best friend and I really think I'll be ok. I've got lots of friends here, like Josh and Christina, and they will always be here for me. As for Molly being away, I plan to go see her as much as possible.

Work sucks as usual. I have to work three doubles in a fucking ROW this week. Not excited about that in the least. BOO! Ummmmm, but lets think of three things good about that:
1) I get lots and lots of MONEYS!
2) I get to wear cute little outfits
3) I get to work work with all my friends who sooooo feel my pain on this.

Now it's time for POSTSECRET of the week!



Let me just add for anyone who noticed, this did used to be a different favorite, but my mom made me feel soooo bad about posting it on my journal that my conscience made me change it. She said it was crude and it showed that I was a bad Christian. I felt bad for not thinking like that but it's hard, ya know!? To have to be thinking that something as simple as a picture with a few words posted on your lj could make you look like a bad Christian. She's such a weird conservative.

Much Love,
Leslie

Most frustrating detail of my life at the moment:
That I'm not talking to Molly and she'll probably leave for school before we get this all sorted out. To have to choose between pride and friendship is harder then one thinks. Either I'm wrong or she's wrong. And what if neither one of us is ever willing to admit that? All I say is there's a difference between being put on the back burner and not being on the stove-top at all. I'm not on the stove-top right now, it's more like I'm chillin in some damn cupboard. That sucks. Boyfriends are important, I of all people should know, being the romantic that I am, but friends are important too. I've been Molly's best friend for ten years and I deserve after all that to be treated with some damn respect, not to be put off till the last minute, when time is running short as it is. It's not fair, and while nothing really is, I'm still find myself coming up very bitter.

Second most frustrating detail of my life at the moment:
That I've finally realised that all I do in life is allow men to take me, and my talents, and personality, and my emotions for granted. I don't insist on being appreciated; I just settle for men who like some small thing about me and ignore the rest. I'm entirely too co-dependent on top of being an affection whore and that all comes together to leave me settling all the time. If I can find a guy who'll just hug me lots and tell me I'm pretty every now and then I find myself dealing with the rest. All I have to say is...NO MORE!!! I am not going to settle for losers ANYMORE. The losers who never call or try to make time for you or appreciate your life choices. It's my own fault for falling for one of those that I am yet again SPLAT on my face. I don't know why I'm even surprised, I should have seen it coming a mile away with all the experience I have.

Top five tidbits of the moment:
1) Today is my day off
2) I got a 25 dollar gift certificate for Max and Ermas from my manager for being a good worker
3) School starts in a couple of weeks
4) All my friends who have been my backbone this week while I struggled through all this drama including the Josh Moores, the hosts at Max and Ermas, and Jeff
5) It turns out that mom's physical therapist is a total BABE, in fact, if he was a president he'd be Baberham Lincoln, grrrrrrr

My favorite PostSecret of the week:




Go to http://postsecret.blogspot.com/ to see the rest

Leslie

The single most dissapointing day in your life is the day that you find out that the person you depend on the most has finally let you down for the last time...

I think this deserves a toast, or at least a drink.

Everyone is talking about the coming year and since I feel pressured I'm gonna go with it. To start with Josh, I'm totally going to New York with you. I'm gonna be working for Vogue so we can even be roomies and everything. Stop being a square, or course we can be roomies, with his and her bathrooms and everything, just don't steal all the hot water in the morning and don't eat all the M&Ms. New York's gonna be awesome, and since we'll be there together it won't be scary at all. But we're gonna have to make a lot of money because apartments are rather pricey. So, that's what I'm working towards at school and such.

I'm so excited about seeing all my friends again. I have to say this has been one of the loneliest summer's of my life. I mean, come on, I haven't even had a summer fling, that's really weird. I don't know if I've just gained THAT much weight or if I've gotten really picky in my old age. I've even lost Molly to a serious relationship, so most of the time its just me and my books. Doesn't that sound so...serious? I put nothing above the pleasure of a good book but I guess that means I'm turning into my dad. I'll probably become taciturn and anti-social within the new few years. Anyway, needless to say the romance in my life is dead in the water and my social life isn't far behind so I need school to start. I need the excuse to meet new people and get my mind off the fact that this year everything's gonna be different. Here's to the changes, may they be something new and exciting.
Leslie

My Tops 5's......

Hottest guys of the moment:
1) Jeff, it was the French connection and the good hair
2) Orlando Bloom, who wouldn't tap that?
3) Martin, my blockbuster guy...its the freckles
4) Chris, the male host at Max and Ermas
5) Superman, man he is so FLY (get it? ha ha ha!)

Fav songs of the moment:
1) I write sins not tragedies
2) Say goodnight and go
3) White Houses
4) 20 years and two husbands ago
5) Ridin Dirty

Favorite breakfast products:
1) Bacon
2) Coffee
3) Eggs
4) Bagels
5) Ice cream

Top five pieces of clothing:
1) My Old Navy flip flops, in all colors
2) My Gap jeans
3) My red Angel bra
4) My yellow Gap halter
5) My BCBG stilettos

Top five deserts:
1) M&Ms
2) Chocolate Chip cookies
3) Mint chocolate chip ice cream
4) McDonalds cookies
5) Fudge

Why its great to be a girl
1) No testicles that get kicked all the time
2) We have feelings
3) Free drinks
4) We have boobs
5) We don't pay for dinner

Why I wish sometimes I was a guy
1) No make-up
2) The polo/jeans look never gets old
3) You don't have to care about other peoples feelings
4) No period
5) Woman outnumber men, I'd always have a date

Today's culture has encouraged a new breed of woman--the super woman, she can accomplish things, she can be a boss, she's a working mom, she's a professional multi-tasker, she's a soccer mom, and she's even JUST as successful as any man could ever hope to be. As a conservative Christian woman I have to admit I struggle with the idea of super woman. I've been raised in a family with a mom who not only was a stay-at-home parent, but I was a stay-at-home kid, being homeschooled by an ever devout mother. She finally got a job outside of the home when I was 14, but by that time I could already cook, clean, and yes, even dress myself. My mother is also a loving wife who plays the second role always to my father, the "man" of the house. And on top of all these traditions that I was raised with in the home, I was also taught by my parents that acheiving the same goals as a young woman was important--being intelligent and well-educated, being respectful to my elders, but eventually...being the perfect house wife. My mom has held over my head the great responsibility of being a wife and mother all my life. She's forced me into responsibilities that she's always claiming will make me the perfect wife.

Of course, all that said, you can see why my upbringing and the current culture seem to clash. Culture wants me to become a super woman, sexually independent and career and SELF oriented. A part of me wants to buy into this image. I want to be a woman who strikes fear in the hearts of men; a woman who isn't intimidated and belittled by MEN. I want to be like the next Miranda Preistly just so that for the first time in my life I could deal out the kind of mistreatment on people that's been given to me. I've spent my entire life being used and mistreated by men because they know I'm weaker then they are. They want a piece of me but not all of me and every single time I end up giving guys what they want so that for ten seconds I can feel important. But what happened to feeling important just because I am and not because a guy thinks I am?

That's where being super woman comes in. Someday I hope I'll meet the guy that will love and respect me as an equal and not use me for his own means to an end, but till then my inferiority complex has GOT to end. Till then I maybe its time to be a little super. Perhaps somewhere between the world I have been raised and the world that surrounds me I can find a perfect balance--a woman who neither fears the world or bends down to it, yet a woman who knows her place and is looking forward to a future as a wife and a mother, but one who has weathered the world a while and held the pressure of intimidation beneath the heal of her stilettos.
Leslie

Things that I have a hard time doing for no apparent reason:
1) I HATE checking my mail, why? I don't even know! I mean I know I'm never going to get anything good in my box but its just e-mail, it takes no time to delete the few spam mails and such. But for some reason I hate it and I NEVER do it, boo.

2) I hate taking showers. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a skank and just put it off for days at a time, I'm too much of a clean-freak to do that. I just have some weird grudge against taking showers that makes it this horrible chore.

3) Check my online banking. I am CONSTANTLY bouncing checks because I won't write down in some kind of log how much money I spend. My parents are at a loss, they can't seem to keep me straight. They hate it that I keep loosing money on over-draft fees, but as much as they hate it I hate it ten times more and yet I still don't check my online banking. I'm such a miserable failure at life.

4) I don't like working. Maybe its just the kind of work I do, being a waitress requires that you be cheerful and helpful 24/7 and it gets to me. I've been having these whacky mood swings lately so when I come into work feeling like the world is against me it's REALLY hard to suck it up and be patient when someone's steak isn't quite pink enough for them. I just dread going and interacting with all those people for hours and hours.

5) I hate calling the doctors office to make appointments. I guess its this weird fear of talking to people I don't know on the phone but I just don't like it. I've put off calling the dentist so I can get my wisdom teeth out for two months now. TWO months of discomfort with wisdom teeth just because I don't like calling the dentist office. I also put off calling my theripist whom I really need to see, obviously because I'm head case and I can't check my e-mail, or take showers, or keep track of my spending, or go work, or call doctors without feeling like its a HUGE inconvenience!

As you can see, deep down I'm probably the most irresponsible person on the face of the planet, but I can't explain why I don't like doing these things. Once I just do them they are all simple simple tasks but I think I must be incredibly lazy, or just really really unmotivated. I can spend hours reading a book or writing my book or watching Dawson's Creek but I can't do anything important without hating every second of it. I don't deserve to be an adult, I'm way way behind.
Leslie

Yes, there is a God...and he made Ralph Lauren who hired beautiful men to pose for his adorable clothes. But I'm tellin ya, I'm really really torn between this youthful hottie...and the below gorgeous man. I like canadate 1's arms, they're all skinny. And he also has really good lips, all the better for kissing me. But canadate 2 has wonderful hair and really nice shoulders. And he won't make me look as fat as canadate 1 will when I stand next to him. I dunno, let me know what you think because I'm getting ready to put in an order for a new boyfriend, I just finally narrowed it down to these two. L..m..a..o!

Sorry that I NEVER update, and I mean NEVER. But I kinda got back into writing in my actual journal, which is a LOT more fulfilling because I can actually talk about how much I hate everyone in it, lmao. J/k.

Summer is just way way boring so far. I really only want for school to be back in so I don't have to sit around anymore, and work. Because I got to admit you guys, I hate working. The job's ok, but I just don't like to work, I'm pretty much sick of it. Servicing other people pretty much sucks ass.

Nothing's new, so I think that pretty much ends this entry, whoops, sorry it was so boring.

Leslie